Conflict is an inevitable and natural part of being human. It can occur over many things: money, communication, dinner, work, and politics (we know, that last one is kind of hard to believe). And while conflict can destroy relationships when handled poorly, learning how to manage conflict well can lead to healthier relationships. As professionals, we need to get better at handling moments of conflict, but it might also help us talk about two emotions that often lie behind these moments: fear and anger.
The Neuroscience of Anger and Fear
While many parts of the brain are involved in these two emotions, the central area activated is the amygdala. The amygdala is involved in memory, decision-making (on the emotional side), and—most importantly—in emotional responses such as fear, anxiety, and aggression. As you may now guess, the amygdala is the primary structure responsible for our famous fight/ flight/freeze response, a physiological response that happens when we perceive a threat.
Managing the “Negative” Emotions
Our experience within organizations is that leaders do what many people try to do with these negative emotions—repress, ignore, or dismiss them. This is the worst thing we can do because we are basically taking an ax to our emotional intelligence. Dwelling in these emotions is not a great option either. According to the Handbook of Emotional Regulation, focusing on negative emotions only seems to make those emotions more intense. How do we manage our anger and fear to handle conflict in a healthy way? Famed psychologist Albert Ellis determined that it starts with our beliefs. “You don’t get frustrated because of events; you get frustrated because of your beliefs.”
The key to managing conflict lies in what has sometimes been called reappraisal. An example may be helpful here. Imagine someone is disrespectful to you. Maybe they’re not listening and raising their voice. Depending on the circumstances, some of us will feel anger (i.e., this person is barking up the wrong tree), and others of us will feel fear (i.e., I must have done something wrong. I feel bad).
Now, imagine if we told you that this person’s mom passed away yesterday. How would you feel? Most likely, you would feel something akin to pity, possibly even empathy, and compassion. You’d understand that this person’s behavior probably has little to do with you and more to do with their loss. This is reappraisal. Reappraisal is analyzing our triggers and reframing our emotions to consider this possibility, “It’s not about me. This person may just be having a bad day.”
In a reappraisal experiment, participants were given a picture of people crying outside a church, making them feel sad. They were then asked to visualize the scene was a wedding, and that people in the photo were really crying tears of joy. Here’s the interesting part, when participants changed their view of the event, their brain scans changed. It seems that our emotional responses ultimately flow out of our understanding of the world, and if we can shift those understandings, we can shift our response.
Practices to Manage Conflict
Once we have been equipped to reappraise a situation and feel calmer, we can now apply simple management strategies to de-escalate the situation.
- Be constructive. Explicitly share with the other person that you want to resolve the conflict. Say, “I would like to solve this together.”
- Show you care. Displaying vulnerability is a persuasive way to relate with a person on a deeper level. Ultimately, you and this person are both human beings just trying to communicate with each other. Showing that you care goes a long way in having a productive conversation.
- Ask questions. Don’t assume anything. We’ll write that again. Don’t assume anything! Seek to understand where the other person is coming from by asking questions from a posture of humility.
- Avoid blame. Rather than using “you,” say “I” to explain your understanding of the situation and how it makes you feel and think. A judgmental tone will only aggravate the situation.
- Take your time. When it’s your turn to speak, slow down, pause, and reflect. It’s okay to call time-out if one or both people are starting to feel angry again. Not all conflicts can be resolved with a short conversation. It’s okay to say, “I’m not in a place where I can talk right now, but I would love to talk later. Let me reach out to you this afternoon.”
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Time for Reflection: What aspect of conflict resolution (e.g., reappraisal, being constructive, asking questions, etc.) could you improve?
